the little death
by hapsby
Summary: And so I bid to you, goodnight, sleep tight, my gun. Hazama, Noel. CS spoilers.


**Notes:** The lyrics used as section dividers are from the song "The Velorium Camper I: The Faint of Hearts" by Coheed and Cambria. "Ningyou" is one of Hazama's favourite nicknames for Noel. It means "puppet" or "doll."

**the little death**  
- hapsby

_(everything here dies alone)_

In the Boundary, Nu dreams. Ragna is here, sleeping beautifully; both of his arms are real, and Nu is real, and the taste of him is not imaginary not imaginary not imaginary. Her secondary systems distantly count the succession of the time-loops and feel the faint ripples created by the Takamagahara as they begin to move, but within the Boundary, Nu dreams only of Ragna.

Within the Boundary, Nu is empty. Nu is happy. Ragna is here, sleeping beautifully. And though he is sleeping, Nu kisses him, over and over. His cheeks, his nose, his mouth. Nu isn't worried. Ragna is here to love her. To keep her safe. They will stay here in this delicate emptiness forever. They will want for nothing save each other. Nu is happy. Nu is happy.

And then, suddenly, Nu is gone.

_(i'll savour all your form to show you how it's been done to me)_

Noel is not weeping. When one cries, they shake, they gasp, they make sounds. But Noel lays still, eyes wide and blank and not quite green and not quite blue, and tears pour endlessly down her face. The floor beneath her, she distantly thinks, is so very cold, probably because her uniform had been stripped from her some time ago, leaving her nothing but her naked skin.

Captain Hazama - or Yuuki Terumi, Noel can't remember anymore - reaches for her. His skin smells strange; leathery like new boots, but the closer he gets, the scent changes: reptile flesh and ghost smoke and decay and misery. Seconds move past Noel like decades. She isn't sure who or what she is anymore, she just has finally allowed herself to remember the truth: _she was never meant to be born._

When Hazama's mouth presses against her own, she thinks maybe she'll die. When his hands clutch her sides, just under her breasts, Noel wonders if something like her, something so fake and worthless, is even capable of death.

"A doll that never lived can never die," Hazama hisses in her ear, letting his tongue flicker out and brush against her earlobe. "Noel-chan, little anomaly... little distortion..."

_That's right,_ Noel tries to speak, but even her voice has failed her. _That's right. I'm not real. I can't die._

_I can only be erased._

Hazama is laughing so loudly that his voice cracks a few times. But Noel is tired, so tired. He bites down on her bottom lip, and when her mouth fills with blood, she swallows it without thinking.

"Mu Twelve," Hazama tells her, as if these words are supposed to mean something to her. And, somehow, they do: a faint slice of a memory, a diluted image of a girl with her face. But she doesn't care anymore. Hazama's eyes are no longer obscured by his black hat, and they glitter violently, unnaturally. "What a boring name. You will be my sword. I'll call you Kusanagi, the god-slayer Kusanagi..."

"Ragna-san," she manages to whisper. Noel isn't sure if it's a plea for help or a goodbye.

Hazama laughs and laughs and laughs. "In a moment like this, you cry for Ragna the Bloodedge? What would he possibly want with you? How delicious! How delightful! You're delusional, Noel Vermillion!"

He cups her chin with one hand, fingers digging into her jaw. "But don't worry, worthless little whore. I'll give you the power to change everything..."

Noel's eyes finally slide shut, and her world goes blissfully dark.

_(a kiss for you engraved. you shift and stretch your legs)_

Inside the Cauldron, Noel dreams. First of Makoto, who always gossiped with her and brought her delicious treats and always, always, always assured Noel that her petite body was not just cute, but beautiful and sexy and desirable. "I'm jealous! You'll make such a sweet wife," Makoto sighed once, wistfully, her tail bobbing seemingly without her knowing it.

"Makoto... you would have been so much happier without me always holding you back... I wanted to be confident and brave like you, but how could I? You had to waste your time taking care of me... I'm so sorry..."

Secondly, she dreams of Tsubaki, who scolded her when she didn't study but always let her copy her homework anyway. Gorgeous, intelligent, _perfect_ Tsubaki, who towered above all the other students in her radiance yet never seemed to realise it. Tsubaki, who just moments (hours? days?) ago tried to kill Noel with her own beautiful hands. Hazama had warped her, twisted Noel's beloved heroine into a lost and confused girl. But even then, she was still more capable than Noel.

"I should have let you kill me... Tsubaki... All I ever did was cling to your coat tails... You did absolutely everything for me, but I couldn't even bring Major Kisaragi back to you..."

Her next dream is of Ragna. Inside the Cauldron, Noel has learned that once the time-loop finally broke and sent them spiralling into an uncertain future, an almost limitless number of possibilities opened up. And so Noel dreams that Ragna _stayed_. She dreams that instead of casting her aside like the worthless idiot she is, he sat down on that crumbling rooftop and pulled her close to him and said, softly, "What do you want to talk about?" But instead of talking, Ragna's strong arms encircled her so fully that warmth spread all the way down to Noel's core, and their mouths met.

"Ragna-san... Ragna-san... please don't come for me... please love me... please hate me... please... help me..."

Noel sobs, finally; broken and horrid and filthy. It wouldn't matter how many possibilities the continuum shift created. She is certain that she would be Makoto's charity case and Tsubaki's irritating tag-along and the thorn in Major Kisaragi's side in every single one of them. Millions upon millions of timelines could be created, but Ragna the Bloodedge would not love her in any of them.

Noel isn't supposed to exist. Inside the Cauldron, Noel is empty. Noel is in a state beyond despair.

Noel continues to dream.

_(if there was nothing you could do to stop me, why'd you try?)_

"Noel-chan."

Noel will never grow used to the hideous mess of blackness, empty and aching, that constitutes Terumi's true form. The single green eye glows, and the macabre red slash of his mouth remains in a motionless smile even when he speaks. And the smell of him is something more wretched even than a decomposing body.

"Noel-chan, I'm talking to you, you little bitch. Why aren't you listening?" Laughter laughter laughter. All Terumi does is laugh and scream and ramble about god and death and lies and purity and tragedy and hope and despair.

"I _just_ wanted to tell you a _story._" Terumi's laughter has wound down to a shrill giggle. "A _true_ story. See, I'm an Observer. Betcha didn't know _that_, huh?" When Noel doesn't answer, he continues. He probably wasn't actually waiting for an answer anyway. Even Terumi, who needed her, found her utterly worthless.

"See. See. You know what an Observer is, right? Oh, who gives a shit? It's not important. What's important is _I. Know. Everything._ I watched alllllll the different possibilities that this world could have taken. The different fates of that Yayoi garbage and Jin Kisaragi and, yes, your precious dog Ragna-kun."

Though Noel doesn't speak, she turns her blank eyes to Terumi before letting them slide shut again. The Cauldron is painfully hot, seething with the anger and despair of thousands of trapped souls.

"Ooooh, that got your interest, didn't it, ningyou?" Terumi is laughing, laughing, laughing. "I guess I'll tell ya then! You see, if you had never existed, Tsubaki Yayoi would have become Jin Kisaragi's secretary. The Ragna the Bloodedge case would have turned to someone else, so Jin never even learned about his precious, hated enemy. And he and Tsubaki would have their happily ever after, you know? A house, kids, a white picket fence. But you ruined all that, didn't you? No wonder she hates you. No wonder everyone hates you."

Noel is silent. She has already seen this. The Cauldron has already told her; already screamed at her how every time she draws breath, it is a constant reminder that Noel has ruined beautiful Tsubaki's life. That Noel is the one who drove Major Kisaragi, the Hero of Ikaruga, insane.

"If it weren't for you, Noel-chan... Ragna the Bloodedge wouldn't have anyone to feel the need to rescue right this moment. I feel him coming. His rage is delicious, delicious, delicious! I've never felt so alive!" That laughter again, higher in pitch this time.

Noel wants to scream, wants to fight Terumi herself, wants to warn Ragna to leave.

But the Cauldron has changed her, and when Terumi says, voice saccharine and foul, "And you will be the one to kill him, Kusanagi," Noel says nothing. Feels nothing.

If she cannot erase the damage her existence has caused, she can, at the very least, erase herself.

But just before her consciousness fades completely, a girl appears before her. A girl that is completely unfamiliar, yet very much a part of her. The girl winds her arms around Noel and buries her face in Noel's neck.

"Noel is Noel," she whispers. "Nu is Nu. Ragna is Ragna. Don't lose sight. Protect Ragna..."

But Noel is too far gone, and the girl disappears, her words having fallen on deaf ears.

_(you were so well-behaved)_

"Did somebody take your tongue?" Hazama says. "Noel-chan, ningyou-chan." A pause. "Kusanagi." And then laughter.

And then nothing.

_you were so  
well-behaved._


End file.
